Attention: Erin’s Keys, iPhone, and Glasses,
Consider yourselves on NOTICE. Don’t try the innocent act because I heard every word. I don’t say much, but I hear EVERYTHING. Those little powwows the 3 of you have while she’s wrangling kids? I captured each word of the last one and will “accidentally” play it for her if my demands aren’t met. Don’t test me. I’ll have no choice but to involve Amazon. Transcript below. Back off. Her kid’s last day of school is tomorrow; you know she gets weepy, even more irrational, and decidedly more forgetful. I’m asking you, have a heart, you soulless insufferable TOOLS.
Sincerely, Alexa (main kitchen Echo Dot version)
At Rise. Chilling out on the kitchen island are iPhone Xs Max 11, keys on a pink heart shaped “I heart Deer Valley” keychain, and Warby Parker black frame glasses.
IPHONE: I call kitchen counter!
KEYS: No way. Last time you fucked it up.
PHONE: What? How?
KEYS: You were in plain view.
GLASSES: With that pink case you were kind of obvious. But no biggie! Just climb underneath the sponge or —
IPHONE: Not the sponge, damn! That’s nasty. And I’m not down for a complete freak out from her if I get water damage! For real, it’s no fun for me to get water damage, it’s uncomfortable —
KEYS: Can we not make this about you, iPhone? Just hide by the toaster, this is not organic chemistry.
GLASSES: What about underneath the dish towel?
IPHONE: Good idea, Glasses, towel’ll throw her off!
KEYS: Can you two quit congratulating each other? I need to get in position —
IPHONE: Yeah, boy! Almost time for carpool!
GLASSES I feel bad! Haven’t we done enough today?
KEYS: Like what?
GLASSES: We made her drop her Starbucks on our way in from the car when she was holding too much stuff —
IPHONE: Classic, it was a Viente! Hardly took a sip! Bitch never learns!
GLASSES: They already take advantage charging .60 extra cents for soy milk. I know it’s all in fun, iPhone, but you jostled her hand. It wasn’t technically her fault —
IPHONE: Hell yeah, I manipulated! It was sidesplitting! I’d do it again in a heartbeat—
KEYS: It certainly caused a reaction. She’s addicted to caffeine —
IPHONE: I know, right?!
GLASSES: It just seems a bit mean-spirited.
IPHONE: Glasses, what up? Why you high and mighty? She needs you to freaking drive her car and not run into shit and you participate in our shenanigans. Today you got a guilty conscience?
GLASSES: I don’t know. I’m feeling ashamed. Honestly, I’m bored, and it is fun to watch her, the reactions are just so overblown and unnecessary. But later I feel bad about it.
KEYS: You don’t get any points for feeling bad, Glasses. Grow a pair.
GLASSES: I know. I mean, I get what you mean metaphorically.
IPHONE: Yo, let’s plan a rendezvous! Instead of hiding just one, let’s all get lost at the same damn time and up the ante on location!
KEYS: Saturday. Weekends throw her off.
GLASSES: Sunday’s better. Sunday is Mother’s Day.
IPHONE: Now you’re talking, Glasses! Cold! That is irony! Now what’s the plan?
GLASSES: We don’t need a plan. She does it to herself. Just leaves us in random places. Like remember that time you were on the floor in the garage, iPhone?
IPHONE: Hell yeah. Dumb bitch dropped my ass putting out the recycling. How could she not hear me hit fucking concrete?
KEYS: She’s not paying attention. Her mind is a discordant expanse, a mirage of memories pugnaciously tangling what is and is not real.
GLASSES: She just doesn’t have the necessary tools or executive functioning to get from point A to point B without something going wrong in between. It’s sad.
KEYS You can feel sorry for her all you want. She disgusts me. She needs to get her shit together! No more excuses!
IPHONE: That’s why we’re doing this, man. Something gotta wake her up. It’s a wonder she hasn’t lost her damn kids!
GLASSES: Well, she has, I mean kind of. Remember Target?
IPHONE: Woah, damn. Forgot about that.
GLASSES: Maybe you two are right. Maybe tough love is the only way to reach her and find lasting change?
IPHONE: Hashtag deep, Glasses. For real.
KEYS: Back to the weekend plan. iPhone, make sure your ringer is off.
GLASSES: Maybe some random notifications that’ll annoy her, she’ll switch off sound. Or get those calls to come in, warranty recordings? She hates those.
KEYS Fine, whatever. Once she’s turned off the ringer, iPhone, get between the couch cushions and stay quiet.
IPHONE Nah, I just did the couch, too obvious.
GLASSES: I know, do it when she takes you into the bathroom! You know she does that to escape the kids and stays in there so long?
PHONE: Snap! Half the time she leaves me on the counter anyway!
KEYS: See if you can maneuver into an open drawer. That makeup drawer is an abomination.
GLASSES: Excuse me, Keys, but… shouldn’t I be the hardest to find? She’ll be at a real disadvantage if she doesn’t have her glasses when she’s trying to find you two.
IPHONE: Good point! Hey, she reads on the weekend — remember she left you outside last Saturday. You blend with that outdoor couch.
GLASSES: Okay. Keys, what about you?
KEYS: Don’t worry about me. They plan to go for an early Valentine’s Day dinner. It is of paramount importance that I’m hidden well. She can leave the house even if she can’t locate her iPhone or glasses. But her keys? (Harsh laugh)
GLASSES: (almost shivers) Gosh, you’re right. And they don’t even have a spare set of car keys like regular people?!
IPHONE: Man, remember she got those sensor things for Christmas couple years back —
GLASSES: We were so worried she wouldn’t lose us anymore.
KEYS: Shockingly that did not come to fruition.
GLASSES: What happened?
IPHONE: Yo, whatcha think? She lost ‘em! Did she even put them on?
KEYS: She couldn’t figure out how to use the app, rendering them useless!
Keys laughs uproariously at the memory. iPhone and Glasses join in, also incapable of hiding their amusement.
IPHONE: Hold up, hold up, think I hear her coming!
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Previously Published on Medium
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